31 Days of Horror 2016, Day 6: The Haunting (1963)

“Whose hand was I holding?!”
-Nell Vance

Directed by: Robert Wise

Starring: Julie Harris, Claire Bloom, Richard Johnson, Russ Tamblyn

Trailer/Video: Trust me, the movie is better than the trailer makes it look.

The premise: Dr. John Markway, a scientist studying the paranormal, recruits four people to investigate a presumably haunted house.

My Familiarity With the Movie: Found it on a website’s list of “scariest movies” a few years back.

31 Days of Horror 2016, Day 5: Poltergeist (1982)

“They’re here...”
-Carol Anne Freeling

Directed by: Tobe Hooper (possibly Steven Spielberg?)

Starring: Craig T. Nelson, JoBeth Williams, Heather O’Rourke, Oliver Robins, Dominique Dunne

Trailer/Video: Here

The premise: The Freelings, a suburban family, discover the hard way that their home is possessed by evil spirits who have a particular interest in their five-year-old daughter...

My Familiarity With the Movie: I’ve heard of it, and saw Family Guy’s parody of it.

31 Days of Horror 2016, Day 4: The Devil's Rejects (2005)

 

“Tutti @#$%in’ Fruity!”

-Baby Firefly and Captain Spaulding

Directed by: Rob Zombie

Starring: Sid Haig, Bill Moseley, Sheri Moon Zombie, Ken Foree, Matthew McGrory, Lew Temple, William Forsythe

Trailer/Video: Here's a trailer for ya

The premise: Picking up two years after “House of 1000 Corpses” the Firefly family are on the run from the police for over 75 murders and disappearances.

My Familiarity With the Movie: None. It was recommended to me by a friend. Didn’t even find out it was a sequel until a few days ago.

31 Days of Horror 2016, Day 3: Tokyo Gore Police (2008)

“It cuts well. It cuts well. The Japanese sword of Kohka. It cuts well.”

-TV Commercial

Directed by: Yoshihiro Nishimura

Starring: Eihi Shiina, Itsuji Itao, Camille LaBry, Shōko Nakahara, Sayako Nakoshi

Trailer/Video: Here

The premise: In the near future, Tokyo’s police force has become privatized, and are lately having to deal with a class of people called “engineers”, whose bodies sprout weapons from any injury. Our hero is Ruka, a police officer who hunts down these engineers.

My Familiarity With the Movie: Recommended to me by a close friend a few years ago.

Random thoughts as I watch it:

• Okay, that’s just heartbreaking, with a voiceover of a girl saying how much she looks up to her police officer father, then said father having his head blown off.
• What the--?
• Most movies like this would save a chainsaw duel for the climax. This one OPENS with one.
• There’s no way that chainsaw hand isn’t an Evil Dead homage.
• I’m a big-time Mortal Kombat fan, and even I think the gore might be too much for me.
• The birthday cake thing was sweet.
• CUTIE ALERT: The bar owner.
• Gotta say, the commercials are hilarious.
• What the--?
• Freud’s got nothing on this scene.
• Uh…
• Um…
• Well, then.
• You’ve gotta be kidding me.
• I’m not sure how I’m gonna answer the “recommendation” part of this review.

The Good:

• The commercials. They’re pitch-black dark humor...but still hilarious. Kinda has a Robocop-esque satrical bite to them.
• Likewise, the uh, police dispatcher is such a goofy concept that you can’t help but love her.
• The action and gore effects are so intentionally over-the-top and ridiculous that you can’t help but laugh.
• The few times that it does try to be scary are usually effective.

The Bad:

• This one’s hard. There’s clearly a lot wrong with this movie...but that’s the idea, right?
• The dialogue is corny. The plot is stupid. The characters are flat. But then again, it’s supposed to be.
• As far as legitimate complaints go, I’m gonna have to point to the slow pacing. The movie drags fairly often.
• One of the ads for Tokyo Police Corporation features children being killed. Even in a satirical, darkly-comedic context, and the killer is quickly (and gruesomely) taken care of by the police, it just...no.

Best Scare: Ruka walking down the streets, seeing the aftermath of the police’s massacre on everyone they see.

What Did We Learn Today? There’s no such thing as bleeding to death. Even getting your hands cut off results in 30 gallons of blood spraying out without dying.

Recommended? I’m not sure what to tell you. I think, in general, no. This is the kinda thing that your general audience would not care for at all. Honestly, I didn’t particularly like it. But that doesn’t mean it’s not an enjoyable movie. There’s definitely an audience for this kinda stuff. I’m just not part of it.

Actual photo of me watching the movie.

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Movie Master List

A list of the movies I'm watching this month. Will be updated with links to each review as they happen.

31 Days of Horror 2016 List

1.     Bram Stoker’s Dracula
2.     Puppet Master
3.     Tokyo Gore Police
4.     The Devil’s Rejects
5.     Poltergeist
6.     The Haunting
7.     Creepshow 2
8.     The Wicker Man
9.     The Midnight Meat Train
10.     The Fall of the House of Usher
11.     Suspiria
12.     Jaws
13.     It Follows
14.     Perfect Blue
15.     Child’s Play
16.     V/H/S
17.     Nurse 3D
18.     The Tingler
19.     The Beast from 20,000 Fathoms
20.     Day of the Dead
21.     Troll 2
22.     Evil Dead 2
23.     The Last House on the Left
24.     Rosemary’s Baby
25.     Invasion of the Body Snatchers
26.     The Ring
27.     The Silence of the Lambs
28.     Legacy of Blood (Elvira’s Movie Macabre)
29.     Unfriended
30.     The Invisible Man
31.     Frankenstein

31 Days of Horror 2016, Day 2: Puppet Master (1989)

“I am not a cynic, Frank! ...I like to think of myself as a nasty bitch.”
-Dana Hadley

Directed by: David Schmoeller

Starring:  Paul Le Mat, Irene Miracle, Matt Roe Kathryn O'Reilly

Trailer/Video: Here

The premise: Puppeteer Andre Toulon brought his puppets to life in 1939, but hid them in the Bodega Bay Inn and committed suicide in order to escape the Nazis. Fifty years later, a group of psychics come to the inn to investigate the sudden death of their friend.

My Familiarity With the Movie: None. Recommended to me by a friend.

Random thoughts as I watch it:

•     “And introducing” does anyone with that credit ever go on to great fame? Aside from Cameron Diaz in “The Mask”.
•     The music was done by a guy named Richard BAND. That’s funny.
•     the 1930s weren’t a great time for many people. Many social injustices, the rise of the Nazi party, ect. On the bright side, though, it wasn’t taboo to wear a fedora. So, that’s something, I guess.
•     You can just TELL this was direct-to-video.
•     This phony fortune-teller is kinda cute.
•     Phantom of the Opera shout-out?
•     Alex is rocking that grey mullet.
•     I’m not gonna kinkshame Carissa and Frank, but I don’t think a healthy sex life involves leeches.
•     MULLET
•     I almost feel bad for Pinhead being thrown around like that.
•     The bit with the heads in the bed was very well done.
•     Alex having a vision, then immediately living it was kinda cool, but the fourth Nightmare on Elm Street did it better.
•     And here comes the murder mystery-style “how he did it” monologue.
•     Good riddance to our villain, but man, what a way to go...

The Good:

•     The puppets! Each one has a distinct personality and style, and the stop-motion animation is great. Think my favorite is Pinhead.
•     I like the idea of a team of psychics, each with their own abilities, teaming up to investigate a murder.
•     Most of the psychics are unique characters with their own quirks.
•     I like how the exposition gets across. It doesn’t waste time overexplaining things. “They’re psychic. Why?” Not important. “How’d they all meet?” Eh, who cares? “How’d they discover their abilities?” I dunno, it’s not relevant to this story. The fact that the puppets are alive is spelled out for us in the very first scene.
•     Toulon himself is a likable character.
•     The soundtrack is really good.
•     The death scene of the Big Bad is insanely gruesome, and I found it kinda hard to watch, even with the clearly fake-looking gore.
•     The acting from Jimmie F. Skaggs and Irene Miracle is great, both playing unlikable but entertaining characters.

The Bad:

•     Despite the exposition going down easy...the movie is pretty slowly paced, and tends to drag on. It’s not until about the last twenty minutes that it finally starts to pick up.
•     Our two unambiguously “good” characters, Alex and Megan are about as interesting as watching a piece of drywall lying on the floor. Sure Alex has got The Mullet, and Megan’s cute, and they’re both important to the plot...but they’re BORING. The kinky couple, and the alcoholic who talks to a taxidermied dog are much more entertaining.
•     Feels like it doesn’t use some of its concepts to its fullest potential. The big infodump at the end just feels rushed.

Best Scare: Neil’s (second) death, by dismemberment and getting a leech forced down his throat.

What Did We Learn Today? To see if a body is actually dead, don’t check for vitals or breathing, just stab it!

Recommended? Maybe. I wasn’t the biggest fan, but I hear that some of the sequels are better.

31 Days of Horror 2016, Day 1: Bram Stoker's Dracula (1992)

“Ahh, listen to them! The children of the night. What sweet music they make!”
-Count Dracula

Directed by: Francis Ford Coppola

Starring: Gary Oldman, Winona Ryder, Anthony Hopkins, Keanu Reeves

Trailer/Video: Theatrical Trailer

The premise: Prince Vlad III Draculea returns home from war to find that his wife has committed suicide. Due to this, the priests declare her damned to Hell, which causes Vlad to renounce God and vow to drink the blood of men. Four centuries later, a clerk named Jonathan Harker goes to Transylvania to complete a sell to an eccentric count named Dracula. Seeing a photograph of Harker’s fiancee, the count notices that she looks a LOT like his late bride...

My Familiarity With the Movie: Never seen it before, but I do remember seeing ads for both the movie and the video game as a kid, and the nice contrast of the bloody logo on the white marble stuck with me. (Seriously, how creepy is that logo? I really dig it). I have, however, seen The Simpsons’ parody of it. It was suggested to me by a friend. For some reason, I feel like this was a huge deal back in 1992. Lots of merchandise.

Random thoughts as I watch it:

•     Seems like I watch an adaptation of Dracula every year I do one of these. Maybe I should read the novel some day.
•     Is Vlad’s armor supposed to bring to mind the human muscular system?
•     Dang, the movie doesn’t use the logo from the promotional materials.
•     I like Keanu Reeves and all, but right out of the gate, he seems to be having trouble with the accent.
•     Well, the brides definitely caught my attention.
•     Why are Mina and Lucy kissing in the rain?
•     I think this is the first adaptation I’ve seen that has Drac becoming a werewolf, though I think “Nosferatu” implied it.
•     Anthony Hopkins as Van Helsing? I’m on board for this.
•     From my understanding (and please correct me if I’m wrong), Dracula’s attacks in the novel were written in a way to resemble violent rape. But this movie portrays it much more consensual and seductive. Not sure how I feel about that.
•     “Yeah” is pretty much Van Helsing’s catchphrase.
•     While I’m sure it’s in the book, Dracula’s ability to become a mist got more play in Marvel’s “Tomb of Dracula” comic than it does in any of the films I’ve seen.
•     Is there some kind of symbolism behind Mina feeding off of Dracula? With him giving her eternal life from it, I want to say there’s a breastfeeding symbolism here. But with his reaction, it seems more like it’s a stand-in for, um...oral sex. Then again, maybe it doesn’t symbolize anything. I dunno.

The Good:

•     The visuals. All of it. From the fancy costumes, the all-practical special effects, the cinematography, the makeup on Drac himself, the sets...this is a fantastic-looking film. I especially liked the battle at the beginning, with everything shot in silhouette.
•     Wojciech Kilar ‘s score. I don’t usually pay attention to background music, but this one really sold the tone of the movie.
•     Most of the cast, but I feel like I have to give props in particular to Gary Oldman and Anthony Hopkins as Count Dracula and Abraham Van Helsing, respectively. The former for bringing a more sympathetic side to one of pop culture’s most legendary monsters without losing any of his menace, and his eccentricities being both endearing AND unsettling. Meanwhile, the latter just plain hams it up. Hopkins is clearly having fun with the role, and it shows, with him being one of (if not THE) most entertaining characters in the film.
•     The way Dracula’s presence was, uh, presented. He exuded a supernatural aura about himself, and came across as an incredibly evil, powerful being...which was shown through clever visuals, such as his eyes in the sky, the shadow moving independently of him, or the POV shot of him making his way towards Lucy.

The Bad:

•     Let’s address the elephant in the room. The romantic subplot between Mina and Dracula...I wasn’t a fan. It was unnecessary and unintentionally creepy. Are we supposed to mourn Dracula’s death at the hands of Mina because he manipulated her into loving him?
•     The rest of the cast. Look, I’ve got nothing against Keanu Reeves. I enjoyed “The Matrix and “John Wick” immensely. And “Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure” is one of my favorite movies ever. And I think he’s an underrated actor. Maybe it’s due to inexperience on his part at the time, but he really didn’t sell me as Jonathan Harker. Maybe it’s because he has trouble keeping up the accent, and for a while after the halfway point, he just straight up starts using his Ted voice.
•     There’s quite a few moments where the otherwise dark, gothic tone is ruined by things like strange lines or an odd performance by the actors, leading to some unintentional moments of comedy (although I’m sure Van Helsing matter-of-factly describing what he’s gonna do to Lucy’s corpse was an intentional joke. Because it was hilarious)
•     There seems to be a bit of a Madonna-Whore Complex going on with the presentation of Mina and Lucy. And that’s all I’m gonna say about that.

Best Scare: Dracula attacking Lucy in the garden.

What Did We Learn Today? You can be pale, wrinkly, ancient...or a wolf/gorilla hybrid...but chicks will still dig you if you’re a vampire (though the hypnotism helps, I guess. Either way, creepy).

Recommended? Sure. Worth a shot, if only to see what the big deal was all about.